it is what it is...is there a bordello in the house?

What does one say when they find that they may be living in a bordello?  That they rent a room while working in the city and perhaps a sourie by day of sex is about?  I guess one must first take a glimpse of their past living quarters....

Let's recap to 4 years.
A home where family themselves strip you dry of cash.  You barely have enough to eat, they have plenty to vacation with......you plan the escape.

The escape is to a lovely apartment, in a small quaint town.  Close enough to the city to get to work, far enough to enjoy the suburbs.  A rain or two floods the town and insects...stench...and rotted wood remain.  You run for safety...

End up in a home of 6.  Kids screaming, parents screaming the only moments peace is when you get off the bus after a 3 hour commute and take the then short drive.  By the time you get back from work after spending 14 hours away the food is all gone.  Another moments peace is when you drive to the gas station to get coffee and a buttered roll for dinner.  You get very sick.  Stress is just taking you down.  A savior arrives...

You stay with a family friend and the first month you are recovering.  Soon after the many faces of one appears.  You can't keep up with the personalities, the disorders or the new found knowledge that Bipolar is a scary disease.  You plan your escape....it takes months....

You rent a room.  The interview is swell.  The room is lovely, the perk is that it has it's own entrance.  You rush to pack,  you rush to move, you sleep like a baby.

There are hints...the company logo on the Internet service.  The truth that you never see the roommates during the evening.  The lack of jobs yet no need for money.  The slew of men you see coming and going on a day you stay home sick.  Can it be???  Nah!!!!

You investigate...you get a friend to make calls...you get the answer...You live in a bordello.  An ignorant non hooker paying rent to hookers.  You plan your escape...it will take months to replenish funds...

You still keep asking...is there a bordello in the house?

it is what it is...being 'in' the element

I hadn't realized how much I miss culture.  Not just the food (most of which I can not longer eat anyway) but the way people are.  We are NOT the same.  There are many difference that I miss; like......

I got on the bus today and there was the old familiar and usually standard 'Hola', whether you are a stranger or not.  They take the same bus and so make the effort to know who is on and who isn't.  A stranger is a curious thing to them so...you have conversation.

Then you have those with the 'wassup' or 'GOOD MORNIN' and they check you out; making sure you are not some riff raf on their route.

Then you have those with the wave while saying a greeting (much more forward, they ask where you are from...etc.)

The ride was pleasant to say the least.  Plus, there is safety in that.  People watch out for you when they know you are on the same route daily.  I find this common in the suburbs.

I drove around the neighborhood and it is a town I was once very familiar with.  My father used to work around those suburban towns.  Each one I visited held a lovely memory...a diner, a park, a store, a building.  I felt as though in a way he was telling me that I would do well here.  I would heal well and plan ahead....  As he did.  He lived around those parts (we lived around those parts) during a time he needed to financially grow and he did that.  We suffered for nothing while growing up.

With the hustle and bustle of the impersonal NYC and the similar small town in NJ, it is great to breath in the scent of the trees, grass and flowers while smiling back at someone that is not in a hurry or upset.

Being 'in' the element is definitely healing.

It is what it is....let me think

The more I observe people the more I see patterns.  As of late, it's the 'no need to finish saying or thinking, I will tell you what to do' mode that people have adapted.  This society of speak your mind is missing the point......Speak something intelligent, funny or at the very least interesting, don't just speak to hear your own voice.

I have noticed it is hard to be happy about something and share it.......for example:

I have found a new place to live and it comes with a bed so I don't have to spare immediate cash for one.. (before I am finished) 'What size? You should get a large one, made by....., with some......, and get covers from .........

I will be living in the Suburbs again, I find that I miss it.....(before I am finished) 'What about being close to people....what about if you get sick or need something........have you thought about this area.....or this area........'

I am no longer in a relationship with XYZ, I don't want to get into the logistics but I think I want someone that is more compatible.....(if I am lucky I get that much out) 'Why???? Why not wait till you find someone else....what is wrong with him.......have you tried being more patient, blonde, thin, quiet, dead.......'

Really.....how about just listening.  JUST listening.  How about accepting the idea - for now just the IDEA that someone may not need your blabbering, opinion, advice, help or analysis.  Better yet how about an old fashion 'Good for you!'

Winston Churchill said it best - "A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty."

as well as

Bethania McKenstry - "I'm not sure I want popular opinion on my side -- I've noticed those with the most opinions often have the fewest facts."

Venting...Religion, Psycho, Victory oh my

The prodigal son returns after several years of angry silence; anger on both sides.  The mother is invited to church, she goes in the hopes that she will see and meet the grandchildren born during those years of anger.

Another invitation - yet only to the church.  Is the son really trying to reconnect with the mother or is he listening to the salvation recruiting?  The answer remains to be learned.  The religion a night and day difference to her own.

A country is joyous over the decade long wait for a murderer's up comings.  The preacher of doom has met that doom.......

How victories can anyone be?  Underhanded methods of persuasion is still just persuasion.  Rooting your anger in the hearts of many is still just anger.  Do we really rejoice in death?  Or in the victory of justice?  Do we rejoice in the possibility of reconciliation or in the victory of the possibility itself?

Dorothy said it best.....A place where there isn't any trouble. Do you suppose there is such a place, Toto? There must be. It's not a place you can get to by a boat or a train. It's far, far away. Behind the moon, beyond the rain...

It is what it is.....Home

What is home?

Some say it is where the heart is.  Others...where family come together.  Or where the walls and ceiling that protect you from the outside elements.  The list goes on.

What if they are all right?  I have not found home in a long time.  I will be moving yet again soon.  Still that place will not be home, but I will be much closer.

To me...home is where the heart is, where the family come together, where the walls and ceiling protect me from the outside elements, where parties can be thrown to share happiness, where I can rest my weary feet after a long day.

I have lived in places that was the home of others and bless their hearts, they wanted it to be my home.  But I also think home is where stress stays out of the door.  Where you feel as though it belongs to you and you to it.

Irony is that when I travel to the mountains, once I find a spot to sit and take pen to hand...I feel at home, more so then in any structure.

I guess they 'are' all right but primarily....where the heart is would be first on the list.

Master Key 5:3 - Inner Wisdom cards

cards by Dr. Antonia M
'Allow the time and space that is needed for things to happen, for all things happen in the Divine Right Order anyway.'

Ain't that the truth.  I know someone that went to a few of my classes (Intent).  One of the things I repeatedly tell people is that you must put your Intent (request) out there, believe it with all your heart and just wait.  It WILL happen when it is time.  Remember to say and it harm none or with only goodness, so that what you want is not taken from another or brought on in desperation.  How you ask is just as important.

But this person will do an Intent ritual every single night.  The candles, the mantra, the incense, the stones......then wonders why not only has months past with no fruition to their intent, but why has things gotten worse?

It's like the people that ask God for something then daily whine to him about why it hasn't happened.  How arrogant is that?  Not only are you asking for something (really demanding) but you are telling him how, when and that you already know it's the best for you.

Divine Right Order!  Just believe and say thank you for it has already happened, it just hasn't arrived yet.

It is what it is.....Magic

Sometimes a book just calls to you.  It sits on the book store shelf and all but jumps into your hand.  That is what happened with the last two books.  The one I am reading now..Life Magic by Laura Bushnell is teaching me something.  Something that I needed to learn after reading Biting Back by Claudia Cunningham.

Biting Back guides you to seeing the inner and outer energy vampires.  Those people or even things that take hold of your life, that suck the living energy right out of you.  That book injected a strength into me that I have tried for 5 years to gather.  It did it in just a few weeks.  I refused to read that book quickly, after all it was/is a guide.

Life Magic reminds you of who you were before all the drama.  Reminding you of childlike enthusisam, something miserable, negative people really don't like; or can't handle for long.

This book is taking me back to the days - the years when I could just flip my hair at ignorance, petty nonsense and negativity.  And --- it's doing it a day at a time.

Heck - in all reality I had a terrible weekend and yet this book kept me optimistic.

Next weekend will be a better one.  Today the phrase 'it is what it is' doesn't fit.  Today, the phrase will be 'it is what I make of it'.

It is what it is.....A Pisces and a Libra

Loving a Pisces is like loving a storm.  The storm arrives and is felt.  Then leaves behind a mess.  That mess is me.  I haven't truly sat to count the years; now that would be sad and pathetic but it's been a very long time.

He is charming, lovely actually.  His smile can be felt not just seen and his laugh is contagious.  He is generous and kind, smart and hopeful.  On the flip side he is manipulative, indecisive, borders on cruel.  His method is the just pretend that he does not understand (he probably doesn't).

How to Survive a Pisces.  It's come to that...reading a book that tells me what I already know.  He doesn't love me and never will.  His character is his zodiac to the T.  When he wants something there is nothing that will stop him from getting it.  That means I have not been on the want list.

Our friendship or the friendship that was....turned into a friends with benefits.   That would be the train wreck.  The hardest part is that I know in my heart of hearts I created this mess that I can't uncreate.

I said 'friends with benefits' because I knew he wanted nothing more.  Of course he started the shift from friends to something else but me being the Libra that I am, I need it categorized.  To know what I am doing and finding a balance to it.  The balance to 'oh shit, this is wrong, you will get hurt', trust me a Libra can do it.  I did.  But like any scale it is bound to eventually tip over if not from weight then age and wear and tear.

So where does all this leave me?  In a car at 5 am waiting on the people I live with to wake up and let me in because I slept with the Pisces again (instigated by me of course) then realized at 3:30 am that I felt the way I always do afterward.....horrible.  It didn't help that while I slept he crept into his bedroom and left me in the guest room.  Nor did it help that I invited myself for the purpose of sex and knew I was not invited to stay the night.  My exhausted and need for a bed until morning won out of morals.

It truly didn't help that the closer and greater the sex, the more distant we are afterward.  Nope, none of that helps.  Because a Pisces wants what they want and a Libra needs to know where she stands.

I know where I stand.  Actually sit, I sit in a car waiting on the opportunity to find a room for rent and get out of the psycho place I am in.  I sit in this car knowing I am no closer to him then yesterday or the yesteryears.  I sit in this car knowing everything in my life needs a major overhaul.

A Pisces will keep taking until they are cut off. A Libra will keep giving until they are a martyr.

These two signs are as compatible as oil and vinegar.  Can't bond but tastes great together.

The positive ones frolick about

What is it about people that makes them so negative they turn on  your for being positive?

It's like a cult, either you join or die.

I mean, it's such a lovelier place when one is happy.  I know these times makes it hard - harder then before to be happy.  But happy moments count too.

I know someone that tries anything you suggest so that they could learn positive.  Yet, they do it with a negative mind and wonder why they get negative results.

I am in awe of people that let just about anything roll off their backs.  They frolick about in this world with a happiness other accuse coming from drugs or alcohol.  I know a young woman that is just like that.  She just frolicks about her day.  No matter the negative she either puts a positive spin on it or frolicks off if you are hell bent on staying negative.

I have been frolicking about here and there thanks to her.  I need to do so more.

But what about when you are in a circumstance where you can't get up and frolick about?  When you are stuck there and someone else takes that as an opportunity to suck the life out of you with their negativity.

I guess those are the times when you need to keep mantras and prayers closer.

God, your love sustains me.
I am positive and positive I shall remain.
All that is good will come to me.

And ultimately.......one could sing.......I feel good now!

Pen in hand

This blog.

Some may say a coward would write under fictitious ways.  I say...let my writing be read not my face.

Faith Grandissant is a name chosen for it's meaning.  Pen in hand for the quote I have used for years in my writings.  Because in the end...It is with growing faith and pen in hand that I survive all of lifes' trials and tribulations..

Welcome and expect nothing more then all types of writing.  Poetry, observations, stories, events, venting and life's little humor.

If you really need to call me something...try calling me friend.